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Wed, Nov. 22nd, 2006, 10:47 pm

i was actually doin quite well last week, showed some real strength i hadnt seen in myself for a while...it inevitably went down hill, but after a few bad days, im getting right back to it, and im starting again on THANKSGIVING of all days. wow. im smart. thats ok, i plan on waking up and excersizing right away and hopefully thatll set me on a good path for the rest of the day then i plan on only having some plain turkey at dinner and maybe a yogurt for breakfast.....we'll see i guess....im trying to lose about 6-8lbs by sunday aka the day i go back to school and then im gonna try and bring a scale back with me so i can TRULY keep track of my progress, i think that would help......anyway i get depressed when i think about christmas coming up so soon, cos i dont wanna feel fat for the holiday, its just such a happy time, but i cant help but feel bad when im at a higher weight....but i really shouldnt be focusing on that.....

if you're reading this (or if your not haha)...have a good day tomm!!

Wed, Oct. 25th, 2006, 09:33 am

ok im gonna vent here for just a minute, yesterday i had this longggg conversation with this guy (we have been flirting ALL year since basically the 2nd week of school) and he complained about how girls say they wanna date him and then say they just wanna be friends a week later, well it went on and on and then finally i just decided to clear out tell him i liked him bc he acted like he felt the same and it seemed like the opportune time, well he proceeds to barely respond and then he says he doenst know EXACTLY what he wants right now and i told whatever dont worry about it and he said well now im gonna bc a few weeks from now im gonna look back realize i threw a good opportunity down the drain. WTF is that?! ugh i never ceased to be the one who gets screwed over.

sorry bout that, anyway, i screwed up last night pretty bad, but once again on a positive note, i made it longer in a row then i have in a while, now i have a game today and tomm so im getting right back with it, now that i dont have OTHER certain distractions and stress, i can just move on and focus on me like i shoulda been. so thats how i gotta look at it i guess.

*whoever actually read that, I HEART YOU :)

Mon, Oct. 23rd, 2006, 10:24 am

ok so yesterday i ate a 40 cal yogurt for breakfast at like 10 something
and then i had a game in the afternoon and it was an intense 90 minutes, so thats good
and then i went out to dinner to outback and i got the appetizer salad (although it had like blue cheese and nuts on it and they put the dressing on for you...but it still was small so couldnt have been that much) and then i had the ahi tuna appetizer for my dinner and i left a little of both things to make myself feel better

so i did very well yesterday, wish i knew the exact cals, but today will be the real challenge since i cant seem to make it thru two whole days..

Sat, Oct. 21st, 2006, 08:12 pm

so weds i did amazing into thursday, but by night time i scrwed up, then friday i got right back with it and did awesome until we drove 4 1/2 hours up to our game to find they decide to cancel it and so we went out to eat and i actually ordered something REALLY GOOD, but then it came with things i didnt know it would and i ate them and then i threw the rest of the day away, but the good part of this is i know i can get back on track tomm cos we have another game, and i havent done bad two days in a row over these last 4, which is really good compared to how ive been, i think today was a lot about taking my frustration with guys out on food, cos how else can i ?? i dont really have anyone to talk to about my specific problems, except maybe one person, but even so, it builds up and im just sick of it, anyway, hoping tomm is good AND the day after...trying to stay positive!!

Fri, Oct. 20th, 2006, 03:13 pm

i hate boys, boys are shady.

had an awful day yesterday, ate disgusting, back to restricting today, prob do around 200 cals...
and then i have back to back games over the weekend, so im hoping by monday ill start feeling a lot better. im trying to be optimistic, i am, im just bitter about my first comment i guess, BLAH

Thu, Oct. 19th, 2006, 01:41 pm

distraught, upset, gross, thats how i feel, yesterday i had 200 cals and then started my fast at 6, i played soccer which is SUCH an amazing workout so i was feeling really good, i was tempted with my friends ordering dominos late last night, but i was strong i dont know how, but i declined, so i was suppossed to continue my into fast today and keep going til tommorrow morning and then id prob have about 200 cals or less thru the day, but of course, ppl asked me to go to lunch, i wasnt feeling good and i convinced myself it was bc of lack of food and i rationalized and now ive gone and binged. i feel like im gonna coast along like this forever, i feel like ill never lose the weight ive gained from binging, im sorry, its just so upsetting, i dont know what to do anymore

Tue, Oct. 17th, 2006, 12:20 am
UGH once again

i keep saying i need to get it together, to do something new, to get back on track.

every morning i try, i go thru the day and somewhere b/t 7-10 i end up screwing up

today i planned to fast, but tonight i messed up again, but i started even feeling a little better during the day, so i am going to do the same thing tomm, wake up, have a 40 cal yogurt and then start my fast until the next day, and then since i have a game, i wont fast again, ill have 200 or less cals and then ill go from there, but the most ive made it in the past like 3 weeks is 1 1/2 days and thats just wrong.

this is it, i wanna feel better, i wanna get to where i wanna be. i know i can.

i heard this quote today that i think will help keep me motivated...something like if you want it bad enough you will find a way to get it, if you dont, you'll find an excuse. ive been makng excuses for myself and im so sick of it, im done with this awful spiral out of control. i need the control back.

Sun, Sep. 3rd, 2006, 12:15 pm
good morning

so i love waking up to new voicemails on my phone of my mom bitching at me and for the FIFTEENTH MILLION time telling me she doesnt wanna hear about my weight anymore (just because she found out i asked my sister to buy me alchohol, not bc ive brought up my weight recently to her...), how its not really a big problem compared to all the problems other people have. how i just need to be a stronger person and have more will power. thanks for the advice. because yeah i love struggling with food and weight 24/7, its a fucking dream come true.

i sound bitter today, im suprisingly not :) just kinda blah..

Thu, Aug. 24th, 2006, 09:40 pm

i have not made any journal entries since i made a new user name, i just realized that haha, of course, packing for school kinda makes me sad in a neutral way, if that makes sense, i wanna go HOPEFULLY it will be what i feel i need, change of environment, but we'll see i guess...